Teo Degas' Books & Decks

As a couples counsellors, Deida's unique emphasis on sexual polarity, on understanding the different ways women and men, communicate, relate and are, and the different ways in which masculine and feminine energies manifest and interact,  explains why many of this books, this included, become a before-and-after book for many women, tired of the usual bluff they find in relationship and dating books. It's a Guy Thing is still relevant and useful for women, even though it was first published in 1997.

This is a Q&A sort of book on all things  men. Most of the questions are something that most women have asked themselves, or are still asking themselves, about the men in their life. If you have read something else by Deida, you will find here what you can find in other of his books, but with a few more practical tips on precise queries. If you haven't read any of Deida's books, you will still be surprised by his bold, unique and challenging voice; yet, I would recommend you by read Intimate Communion first, to best understand what Deida means by sexual polarity and Deida's tantric approach to relationships.

GREAT 

Deida makes great comments and gives great advice throughout the book, but one of the statements that I liked the most was this: "This inner child responds when our buttons, our childhood wounds, get pushed. Our feminine button gets pushed when we feel unloved; our masculine button gets pushed when we feel constrained and not free to do what we want. In response to feeling unloved or constrained, we act like little children. “If you don’t give me the love (or freedom) that I want, then I’m going to collapse or close down or leave you.” No man is capable of always giving you the love that you want. When your inner child doesn’t get its way it will want to run away, collapse or kick back. Intimacy, like parenthood, is a practice that requires giving love to your partner even while he is pushing your buttons or kicking your shins. Love begets love. Punishment and withdrawal without love do not provide the basis for trust and real growth in intimacy". (loc. 2333).

TO IMPROVE

The book reads at times as a transcription of a real Q&A due to the constant repetition of the same statement within a given question, which is something that easily happens while giving a talk, but something inexcusable in a book in which an editor has put some work. The book would have benefited of a bit of verbal weeding.

NOT NEW
Having John Gray's Men are from Mars and Women from Venus among my favourite books on relationships, I found that many of the things that Deida says in this book were basically a repetition
of what Dr Gray had written in 1992 (Deida's book was written in 1995).

MISSING
Deida's analysis would have benefited from Gary Chapman's points in The Five Languages of Love (1995). One of the most important things you can do to re-energise your relationship is learning to recognise the way your partner gives love and wants love to be given to him/her.  The 'languages of love' aren't based on polarity, doing-receiving-giving kinda stuff, but on the way individual personalities (not gender or sexual energies) feel loved and express their love.

DANGEROUS
Deida says, "Very frequently in abusive relationships, for instance, one partner will have difficulty leaving even though it’s in her best interest. She has become addicted to the relationship". (loc. 1990)

I think that this comment should be amended or eliminated. People working with domestic violence victims will tell you that addiction is not what keeps most women attached to the abuser. Moreover, the statement, unintentionally I believe, puts somewhat the blame on the victim. 

I've had an odd experience with this book. I first bought it when I was informed of my near lay-off after years working for the same company; I got irritated with the theoretical business academic approach to the subject and the fact that most examples were of high-profile business or finance people. So I stopped reading it. I retook the book a couple of weeks ago, a few months after I first started reading it and after going through the process of  transition on my own. All of the sudden, bingo!, Ibarra's words clicked with me, because I've found that many of the things that Ibarra mentions are really also part of my process of transition as I am experiencing it.

Working Identity is structured in two parts. The first discusses the process of questioning and testing our work identities, and the second describes the actions that increase the likelihood of making a successful change. Chapter 8 is a summary of the whole book and really the part where I recommend you to start because it goes through the main points discusses throughout the book minus the fillers. The appendix is quite academic, but not too dry, and it was necessary to understand Ibarra's methodology and theoretical approach to the research that produced this book.

Ibarra states that her objective was to generate rather than to test theory; also that her objective wasn't to predict who will or won't change careers, but rather to identify the basic tasks of reinvention. I think she succeeds at doing both things. Ibarra has a great insight into the process of change itself, which she describes with accuracy, and she's able to distil lessons from the many study cases and real life people mentioned throughout the book. Looking at my own experience in  transitioning, I find that many of the things Ibarra says are really true for me, too, even though I am not, by any means, a high profile finance guy.

Working Identity debunks the fallacy that our professional identity is one, and that our personal identity fits just one job identity. Regardless of whether the transition is voluntary or forced, and assuming that you want to change careers (otherwise you are wasting your time on this book), the core of the book is that our professional identity is as much a psychological construction as it is a social construction, and that transition takes us to roads that might be an extension, development or jump off the cliff from those things we are familiar with. The process of career transition is a long road of personal trial and error until we find something that it's just right and fits us perfectly. One thing is imagining ourselves  doing whatever, and another thing doing it; one thing is learning how to do something new and then enjoying it; one thing is imagining our life-long hobby for X being our profession and another seeing that this won't give us the life, money or fulfilment that we crave. However, if  we don't try those paths, we'll never know. Trying means learning on the spot, experiencing the challenges and chaos, and how we feel about the reality of the new 'thing' emerging, whether it suits us or not and whether we want to stay or move on. The process is intertwined with passion, drive, and our natural talents, but it needs of patience and perseverance.  Sometimes the career transition will take us to places that we never considered ours, or thought we would be good at, or thought possible, and yet, if we have the determination, persistence and drive we might end just doing something totally 'unlike us', which is very much us.
Ibarra's reasearch unearths 9 unconventional strategies for reinventing our careers:
1/ Act your way into a new way of thinking and being. You cannot discover yourself by introspection.
2/ Stop trying to find your one true self. Focus on which of your many possible selves you want to test and learn more about.
3/ Allow yourself a transition period in which it's OK to oscillate between holding on and letting go. Better to live the contradictions than to come to a premature resolution.
4/ Resist the temptation to start by making a big decision that will change everything in one fell swoop. Use a strategy of small wins, in which incremental gains lead you to more profound changes.
5/ Identify projects that can help you get a feel for a new line of work or style of working and do these as extracurricular activities.
6/ Find people who are what you want to be and who can provide support for the transition. They won't be in your same old social circles.
7/ Use everyday occurrences to find meaning in the changes you are going through. Practice telling and retelling your story. Over time, it will clarify.
8/ Step back for a little while.
9/ Change happens in bursts and starts.

If you have read a bit about change and transition possibly you won't be wowed by the list overall, and you have already heard/read some of the things in the list in other books. However Ibarra's focus on doing before thinking and her exploration of personal and professional identities, the many selves that we carry inside us, and how those selves morph during the period of chaos that goes from starting a career transition to really transitioning, as well as the importance of our personal 'myth' or story are excellent, enlightening and something that not everybody speaking about career transition will spend much time discussing, even though they are important, or so I feel. This was, as a matter of fact, what resonated with me the most.

THE DOWNSIDES
The first downside of the book to me is that the case studies, diary records and summarising of personal stories go forever, for pages. Those would have been necessary if this was a thesis presented in academic circles. As this is a book directed to the general public the need to be so exhaustive is not an issue. I understand the need to provide examples and real cases, but those occupy a good part of the written book. Was that necessary to convey Ibarra's point? I don't think so. She could have provide details of cases, without the need to go to the extent she does.

Ibarra says "It is better to start by trying out a possible new role on a small scale—in our spare time, on a time-limited sabbatical, or as a weekend project. And as we will see in the next chapter, an added—and necessary—advantage of experimenting is that while we are trying out new roles, we meet people who will help change our lives." (p. 113).  Most of the study cases are of financially stable people, quite well-off, who had the luxury of expending the time necessary to switch careers, juggle two things at the same time or take a sabbatical to work on their career reinvention. However, most people coming to this book, won't have that luxury. Ibarra itself explains that people who lose their jobs are at a great risk of short-circuiting the process as they can't stagger their time out because basically, for the transition to flourish, it needs of a basic level of security, personal, economical and psychological. However, she provides little evidence of this because his group of study basically has no person who is transitioning in that way, or is in their mid 50s, or unmarried for example. This being the case, many of the people who will get this book looking for help and inspiration will find that there is little for them in those examples.

IN SHORT
If you read the book after your career reinvention, it will make great sense. If you do so at the beginning you might get irritated at the lack of how-to (because her how-to items of advice are too generic to be of any use), and, as Ibarra herself states the how-to varies from person to person and their circumstances. So, that's what I call a how-not-to-do a 'how to do". Overall, a very well-researched book, with great insight of what professional identity is.

TYPOS
At least on Kindle for PC and in my android, there are repeated cases of lack of hyphen in cases where a word seems it was. Perhaps a space is what's is missing. I don't know. See for example:
> twoyear period (p. 100)
> a highprofile legal dispute (p. 106)
> thirtytwo (p. 178)

I had read many books on dreamwork before I came to read this book, enticed by a talk given by Bosnak himself.

This is a little wonder of a book,  little as in introductory, not as in simple or irrelevant. The book has the right balance of depth and practicality, and it is a terrific initial guide for people wanting to become dream practitioners or for those who want to work with their own dreams on their own or in groups.

Bosnak gives simple but very effective exercises to favour dream recall in general, to recall specific dream objects and spaces, to create a memory storage room, explore the awakening space, and write/record your dreams. The case studies chosen to show his system or working with dreams are really wow -- interesting, intriguing and enlightening, so exemplary of what dreamwork is all about, the magic that brings to the awaken life, the  psychological emotional and spiritual depths it takes you, and the juice you can get from even the most 'normal' dream. Some of the things Bosnak says about the nature and essence of dreams are really  mind blowing, and one closes the book wanting to listen to him more, read him more, and wishing that the book had been less little and more more big.

Bosnak is a Jungian analyst so you can't get  the Jungian out of him (nor would want to), as this is, precisely, what makes his approach to dreams so profound. Also, Bosnak is the father of Embodied Imagination, so he speaks of it as this was the daily bread on a tradie's table. He makes a terrific effort to put things in every-day language with minimum jargon and makes  difficult concepts accessible to the general public.

On the down side, lay readers, those with no knowledge of Jungian stuff, or not familiar with his system, might find some things difficult to understand because some concepts are just sketched out and would need of more space to be properly explained. I found that this was the case with the chapter on psychological alchemy in dreams, which is very good, but too  short for the average reader to understand the specific way that some of the associations related to the three main alchemical elements link; that was my case, at least.

I found the chapter on image amplification the weakest in the book, not well developed or round enough to be successfully used by a person with no previous experience in image amplification. Exercise 10 on exploring the world of imagery using the main three alchemical elements isn't clear enough to me, either.

Active imagination is something easy to grasp for people who are mostly visual, like me. However, many people aren't visual at all, are more audible or kinetic, so I wonder how do those people approach active imagination.

The book was written in the late 1980s, so unless you really nuts about audio-recorders, you can easily use your smartphone voice recorder easily or use one of the many applications that allow you to record, write and explore your dreams.

Overall a wonderful read, with a great insight, tools and tips to start dreamworking the wow way. 

When we confuse functional roles in the workplace with the naturally different sexual desires of most men and women, everybody suffers. (Locs. 461-462). We will always attract the reciprocal of the energy we put out. (Loc. 2058).

Intimate Communion is an old book, first published in 1996, which, despite the vintage feel of the cover, feels fresh and relevant in many ways 20+ years later.

This is a book for both women and men, on what I would describe as conscious coupling or conscious intimacy, i.e. an evolved way of relating/relationships in which our intrinsic dominant sexual energies are fully expressed and supported within the relationship.  Deida mixes his expertise as couples counsellor and his knowledge of what makes some relationships thrive and collapse, his knowledge of what is characteristic to masculine and feminine essences and energy, a bit of Eastern Philosophy (pondering on the self, energy work and Tantric Sex). The result is Deida's unique voice in the world of couples counselling, a voice that needs to be taken into account to transcend most people's dissatisfying and unfulfilled relationships, where sexual apathy and/or cheating are too common to ignore.

Deida defines Intimate Communion as the art of opening in love and the art of cultivating sexual polarity by gifting from our unique sexual essence. The aim is to supersede old forms of relating, get above an equal 50-50 relationship to another that can be 50-50 for many things but it is sexually charged, a relationship of free surrender in which both people feel alive and constantly feed their passion and natural non-tabooed flow of energies. Intimate communion has nothing to do with our gender, sexual orientation or religious beliefs. It is based on sexual energy, which varies from person to person disregarding their gender. Intimate Communion is a very honest open way of relating, based on respect, acceptance and surrender; it demands opening our heart moment by moment even when we are hurt and upset instead of retreating, giving the cold shoulder or punishing our partner for the hurt. Intimate Communion works on the three levels that keep a relationship finely tuned through the ages: mind, heart and sexuality.

It sounds very Gwyneth Paltrow! 

MY HIGHLIGHTS

>> Deida clearly explains the difference between love, romance and sexual polarity. He calls our attention to the  fact that people often mix gender equality and the neutralisation of our native masculine or feminine sexual energies. He also makes a relevant differentiation between men-women at work and social equality, and couple dynamics.

>> The three stages of intimacy, of which Deida speaks over and over again, give you a clear sense of how intimacy is a process of growth, how different kinds of relationships work for men and women, and how emotional, sexual and gender issues manifest individually and differentially in those three different stages.

>> Deida's insight into the masculine energy is profound, and goes from the daily life to the metaphysical. It really helped me to recognise men I've come across in my life and see in which stage they were at. Deida understands the modern man's quest to regain his masculinity and become a 3rd stage man, that is a man who does not need to dominate, domineer, or abuse his woman to unleash his true masculine energy. The 3rd stage man is an evolved man, psychologically reassured, who does not need to dominate and wants to relate to a woman who is at a similar stage of development. The 3rd stage man, the way is described in the book, is a man around his 40s or older who has learnt life lessons and is ready to love freely but it is also strongly committed, not because commitment is demanded or expected from him but because he is willing to do so. This commitment is not a ring on the finger, it is an attitude to relationships in which sexual polarity is equally important.
>> Deida gets the modern professional woman, not as much as the modern man, but I felt that many of the things he said were very true. 

>> Something new that I had never heard is that a person can have sexual love affairs with the environment. Just like human beings, places can be more or less feminine, masculine or neutral. And the energy of those places sometimes fills in the vacuum we have when our own sexual essence is not expressed in a polarised relationship.

>> I loved the differentiation that Deida makes between a man's vision quest, man's escaping and man's diddling.

TWO LITTLE CONNECTIONS
>> I found that Deida's analysis would have benefited from Gary Chapman's points in The Five Languages of Love (1995). One of the most important things you can do to re-energise your relationship is learning to recognise the way your partner gives love and wants love to be given to him/her.  The 'languages of love' aren't based on polarity, doing-receiving-giving kinda stuff, but on the way individual personalities, disregarding gender, feel loved and express their love.

THE DOWNSIDES

>> The quiz to figure out your sexual essence is very useful, but also very simplistic.

>> The constant use of consciousness associated to male energy bothered me, not because I thought it wasn't meaningful as an element of a 3rd stage man, but because it seemed to imply that an enlarged consciousness is not as important to the feminine. Personally, I've found more women with high level of consciousness than men, that's my experience! I'm not saying that Deida believes that high consciousness is not proper to a highly evolved feminine woman, but the book reads as if high developed consciousness is a privilege of the masculine.

>> Although Deida's description and view of modern women is accurate in general, I felt that some of his discourse was anchored in the male's preference on how the feminine should be expressed, and how it was expressed in the past because women had no voice or liberties until the beginning of the 20th century. Put it differently, one thing is the feminine essence and another how that essence has been expressed in the past, where there weren't natural ways of expression for women except for those imposed and sanctioned by men. I found that some of Deida's statements felt in this category. A man telling a woman how to be feminine. Which is as ridiculous as woman telling a man how his scrotum feels in his pants. Two statements in his discourse really put me off: 

      1/ Deida says that the essence of the feminine woman is radiance and beauty, and that calling a woman ugly is the worse insult for a female. Well, that it's the case if you are talking to a superficial insecure moronic woman. Deida's statement is a  distorted view of the female essence as some men would like it to be. A woman can be very feminine and spiritual and don't give a dam about beauty. Deida's statement also diminishes the intellect of the woman. I think most women would feel more insulted by a man telling them that their brain/intellect is 'unnecessary' to their femininity than being called ugly. I think that spirituality and intelligence contribute more to women's radiance that their beauty and many men would also tell you that.

      2/ I found the following statement very dangerous:

"Although it is a far cry from being sweetly ravished and overwhelmed by love in the ultimate embrace of perfect Intimate Communion with a partner, it is still a form of surrendering to another in the hope of fulfilment, just as is raising a family, opening sexually with Her lover, or giving Her time and energy to a social cause. In each case, She hopes to he filled with love by surrendering Her sense of self to something else. In the case of a woman in a Dependence Relationship like Charlene, this "something else" is often the control or aggression of her man-receiving his angry attention fills her more than receiving no attention at all". (Locs 2541-2544).

The statement forgets that many women cannot leave an abusive relationship because they don't have economical independence, or a safe place where to escape, or they psyche is so wounded that they cannot counteract. It somewhat blames the female energy for the abuse. I was shocked at reading this statement. I don't think this would be published nowadays or should have been ever published.  
>> Deida's advice on healing and overcoming old patterns of behaviour in relationships might be contradicted by Jungian psychoanalysis, which tells you that this can be  rarely achieved even you have the luxury of doing therapy; you can become conscious of your patterns of behaviours, ghosts and shadow issues, but overcome them, they say, rarely. You learn to live with them. Of course, solution-oriented therapy says that this is possible. So, who knows?! 

>> There is a chapter about embracing the taboo, but Deida never explains what he means by taboo nor digs in on the subject. I would have loved a more open discussion on this.

>> The book is very repetitive at times, with the same sentence repeated sometimes in contiguous paragraphs. That's the editor's fault.

TYPO

"Two Masculines do not a polarity make." (Loc., 2039).

KINDLE RENDITION

The conversion of the book into digital format shows a separation of the two parts of an h quite frequently, as well as some of the letters of a word. 

I have read a few books on crisis and change in the last couple of years and this is, despite the modest ratings and small number of reviews on Amazon, the most helpful of them all in you are in the middle of a life and/or career crisis.

Above all, this is a book on how to change your mindset, the one that freezes, depresses and angers you and prevents you from seeing things clearly, from being fully rational, and getting into action. The book offers a set of tools, techniques, attitudes and behaviours to avoid or minimise the fight, flight, or freeze response to increase your ability to adapt and move on. There is also a quest for meaning, to see the silver lining in your crisis, to see it as the step before to something better, to accept change with grace and resilience still being true to who you are. The process of change, as discussed in the book is shown in the figure below: 
GOOD POINTS
> I expect a book on how to overcome crisis to be written by people who have been there and succeeded. However, most of the books out there have never truly experienced it; it is all abstract studies on patterns of behaviour seen on business people and so they re elitist and unrelatable for anybody who is not in those privileged circumstances, which is most o us. On the contrary this books' author has personally gone through hell several times and came out victorious, so I can relate to anything she says and any the advice she gives.

> Ryan's talk is helpful because it makes you feel understood and even cared for. She describes quite precisely what is going on in your life and in your mind even though she doesn't know you or your specific circumstances.

> One of the things that unwanted change brings up is a perennial state of anxiety, fear, shame and despair, a state of mind that is really damaging because it is not rational, it brings up all the personal complexes and fears that we have ever experienced and freeze us on the spot. Learning to understand why that happens and how to stop it, is priceless.

> The book is clearly written and very well structured. As the author herself states, it is based, on her own experience and pragmatism, and on a a vast number of books on brain science, organisational and positive psychology, and spirituality.

>  There is a bit of positive wishful thinking but you didn't get this book to get depress, right?

 In Getting Unstuck, Butler --a social scientist, psychotherapist and career counsellor-- provides a Jungian-derived practical career counselling  book to face personal upheaval, dramatic changes and periods of 'impasse' in which you suffer an existential and professional crisis. 

THE FIRST PART is a reflection of how impasse works, what shows up, and why you are stuck. Crisis shows you that your familiar models of being and working aren't working, and force you to stop, ponder, and learn new ways to move on and move in a better direction. You need to accept the impasse and the darkness it brings as a pre-requisite to positive change; sometimes it's the step needed to lead you to a more fulfilling life and career and to psychological growth. You have to let go of  your hold to the past (distorted self-images, ego's love for familiarity, fear, family pressure, personal demons, selves left behind) and learn to recognise the nasty voices that show up when things don't go well (the inner critic), and give up mental models that do not work for you any more. 

THE SECOND PART is an exploration of your personality traits because personality structure relates to job choices and career satisfaction. The system works on three levels: figuring out what your deepest interests are, learning to be guided by your passions, and figuring out what drives you, power, people or achievement. The 100-job exercise is designed to bring up those natural skills, passions, values and characteristics that are personal to you, to move you into the right direction.

THE THIRD PART is a put-all-together sort of chapter to help you in decision making and get unstuck to find a life path and career that are satisfying, exciting and sustainable. 

>  Butler uses a Jungian approach to crisis (he uses archetypal classification, shadow work, creative imagination, and ancestors/parental projection), mixed with mindfulness, and his own original scientific system created to circumvent your insistence on certain career paths and orientations that don't work for you any longer. The system helps you to unveil hidden dormant talents and passions that are part of who you really are  but you don't normally use or are aware you have.
> Butler asks you to stop and ponder on different questions, to answer them to yourself. Some of  them are really good and will make things clear to you about your conditioning, aims, and whether a job is really good for you or not.  
> The advice and strategies suggested to defeat your inner critic when it appears at your weakest darkest hour is really good. 

> One of the statements that resonated the most with me, and I think one of the most important nuggets to remember from the book, is this:

"Our perceptions—and preconceptions—of talent are too often intertwined with sense of self. “What are you good at?” all too easily slides into “What good are you? Of what value are you?” These are difficult waters to navigate, particularly treacherous at key life transitions when we are most tempted to play judge when assessing our own accomplishments." (locs 1671-1673)

> The archetypal classification in types, which links certain patterns of behaviour, personality traits and interests create excellent psychological-professional profiles, which I personally found very useful and relatable. The archetypes are: the engineer, the number cruncher, the professor, the artist, the coach, the team leader, the boss, the persuader, the action hero, and the organizer.
> Appendix A is a good commented bibliography, something that is rare to find nowadays and, therefore, something I really appreciate.
> Appendix B, contains an important brief reflection about the differences between clinical depression and impasse depressive moods.
> Appendix C has the scoring for the 100-job system, and puts together each profession with one of the archetypal patterns. Table 3-1, "Recognising the Pattern" is also very good and clear to understand how certain thinks link together.

SO SO

The model used to figure out things is based on the 100-profession exercise, on which results other exercises build on. A great an original well-thought system, which I think will be great to work on with Butler as a counsellor, but, as it is presented in the book, it is not always clear, especially the part about working with imagery and dynamic tension.You are supposed to find 10 professions that you might want to do if you were able to and there was no obstacle whatsoever; I had difficulty finding even 10 that I liked; this is so because most of the professions are non-artistic, non-Humanities, business and managerial jobs. Just say, I would love to be a hairdresser, or a tailor, or be a ballerina,  well, these professions aren't mentioned. 

NOT SO GOOD

> You have to wait to the end of the book, literally, for Butler to explain what he means by impasse. And when you get the definition, is not that clear, and not what most people picking this book for  thought it was, because, speaking for myself, this was supposed to be a career, job or life crisis book not about an existential crisis.
> The examples from real cases and people go forever, are uninteresting, and mostly based on business people and professionals to whom I could not relate.

> Butler's writing is not always polished and clear, and some paragraphs would have needed of a better editing or editor.
> One of the many examples Butler uses in the book is that of cyclist Lance Armstrong, obviously written before the cheating scandal broke up; this ages the book and is no longer valid as an example for anything.
> In Deep Dive 'Dimensions of Achievement', Butler asks the following question: "Imagine forward to one year from now. At the end of the next twelve months, what would make you feel that you have done 'real work' and made a genuine contribution?". Isn't that called science fiction? Most people picking up this book won't be able to answer this because they would be without a job or a career in a process of transition with no idea on what is happening to them. They are stuck, remember?
> Butler tells you what do with the dynamic tensions we unearth in the 100-profession exercise. And he says "not try to “solve” the tension. Just experience it. Ultimately, you must live the resolution, not think your way through" (locs 2160-2161). What is that supposed to mean, really?

THE BOOK IS NOT FOR YOU IF

> You already know your  talents, weaknesses and vocation and are still stuck. 
> You have lost your job at middle age and the job market is not welcoming or favourable to older fellows or just you even though you have great talents.
> Your gender, age or origin are a hurdle that you have jump over.
> You are professional, but managerial or business jobs aren't your thing.
> You are a Humanities person, not a Science of Business fellow.
> You don't know what to do next but have to pay your bills, so need something more practical because you don't have the time to existential munching over a pina colada.

THE BOOK IS FOR YOU IF 

> You have finished your University studies and are a bit lost, and don't know where to go or are unsure about two or more choices.
> You are gravitating around business and managerial professions.
> You need to figure out how to match your inner traits, personality, skills and passions to find a  satisfying career.
> You have the luxury of spare time, energy and money to stop and re-evaluate your career options, satisfaction, long term projection, etc 

A very good edition, with no typos on view and hyper-linked notes, but references to tables aren't. Some of the tables in the book, which are included in the Kindle edition, cannot be seen properly in full on android. Although arrows allow to move back and forward through the table, one cannot see it properly, which is a pity. They work well in Kindle for PC.

This book should have been titled dealing with deception in the workplace because that's exactly what the book is about. The information provided mixes military, government and intelligence agencies' interrogation techniques, scientific and academic data mixed with body language and  micro-facial recognition to create what Meyer calls the BASIC method, a  guide to lie-proof conversations, negotiations, and interviews. She claims that the techniques provided in the book  can improve detection ability by 25% to 50%. 

The BASIC system is a  way to structuring a conversation to get the truth out; the acronym stands for:
B = Baseline behaviour, examining an individual's current behaviour to what s/he normally does, says or behaves to compare it with what s/he does, says or behaves while being interviewed, interrogated or simply questioned about an issue of concern.  

The book is structured in two parts, the first being the general basis to detect deception trough verbal and non-verbal clues, which is applicable to any facet of our life. To me, as a non-business person, this is the most useful and entertaining part of the book.

The second part is  about creating healthy behaviour and environments in the workplace by implementing structures and polices that promote honesty and trustworthiness, and effortlessly weed out deception, liars and double-faced people who play everybody to get power or money. This is very much business related. If you are a business person, head of a department, business, or corporation, will certainly find the strategies, advice and polices recommended in the book fantastic, sane and sound, it that can be said. Specially good are the items of advice on business negotiation and job interviews, which are two of the main areas where deception occurs.

Appendix I is a sort of cheat-sheet about the main points presented in the first part of the book. I truly love it because it is useful and straight to the point.  


Appendix II is a test to check if our lie spotting skills are tuned; the solution to the questions are in the author's book website.

General value
The book is very good, well written, and clear to understand. Meyer is a very articulate writer and does a great job at conveying her message in away that is entertaining, informative and seriously usable, with plenty of specific information about how to spot deception, and how to deal with it. 

Liespotting tips are spread throughout the book as short reminders of important points to remember, therefore, very helpful. 

Besides, photos  are included to exemplify facial authentic and fake expressions; nothing like a photo to explain this sort of information.

There are many real-life examples described in the book, but I thought they were useful. 

Questions posed and answered

> Why do we have a deception epidemic in our culture?

> Do we lie more nowadays than in the past? 

> Why videoconferencing isn't the solution to deciding on new business ventures?

> Why old tools and devices do not work?

> Why being punctual is important?
> Which verbal and non verbal clues show deception? and how do you mentally process them? 

Ah? Eh? What? 

Kindle edition

The kindle rendering is well done, with hyper-linked notes. However, one of the links in the book does not work, the one directing to Artanatomy; however, the site is still up, just with another URL.

A book for both men and women, Flirtology is a mix of flirting for dummies, an SOS guide to human connection  and interaction (not just romantic), and a clear-head common-sense advice on healthy dating, enveloped in Jane Smith's warmth, no-games, no-tricks, no-fake approach to dating.

Written in a very chatty and witty tone, the book is very well structured and clear, with any question you might ask already presented and answered for you. It reads easily and is not only helpful, but also very entertaining. As you could expect, there are many real-life examples, but the stories are short and sweet, to the point, never too many, never too long, never too self-centred.

This book will especially impact people who are very rational and have little tolerance for babble or BS, people who value common sense, honesty, genuine people and relationships, and appreciate warmth. Many of the things that Smith says aren't really that new or wow, and they were said before any anthropological project came into fruition, but Smith wraps things very nicely and links connecting with strangers, connecting for flirting, flirting and dating in a very organic way. Besides, the fact that she has lived and studied human connection in different countries and cultures gives her statements a depth and believability that other books don't have.

Smith's Flirtology System is what she calls the HOT APE system; the acronym stands for the main points of flirting: Humour, open language, touch, attention, proximity and eye contact.

I LOVED
Smith promises, "the book will: debunk the myths that surround flirting; give you sure-fire ways to avoid those awkward tongue-tied moments; make sure you never fear rejection again; make you believe that you too are a fabulous flirt; help you pinpoint what it is you are looking for; unlock the secrets of my H.O.T. A.P.E. system to bring out your inner flirt encourage you to practise, practise and practise (and have fun while doing it); give you the confidence to speak to anyone, anywhere get results, without ever compromising who you are."  (pp. 13-14). I think she delivers.

Smith debunks online dating and online relationships in a very matter of fact, scientific, rational way. If you want to connect you need to go out there, that is the place where most people interact and where most people, still today, find their partners.

Smith's advice promotes healthy relationships based on presenting a real version of ourselves to attract people who resonate with our real selves, making ourselves responsible for our own happiness, minimising physical attraction as main element of attraction and focusing, instead, in those things that we want to be there in, say, five years. Her deal-breakers section is really helpful and, again, debunks many myths. Are our deal-breakers really so?  She does not tell us which ones to chose, just to be serious and sincere with ourselves, so those main five we chose really matter to us long term and help us cut short relationships that aren't good for us.

Her advice on how to beat fear of failure and rejection is amazingly clear, simple, and convincing. Extremely helpful.

THE MAIN TASKS
> Get into the practice of talking to people asking at least one question to five different strangers, and try to build rapport with at least one stranger.
> As a question, anything, see how the other person responds, if they do positively continue building rapport.
> Ask open questions and be present while talking to the person, so that we take everything of what is happening in, the looks, attitude, body language, reactions and vibe of the other person.
> Walk up to strangers; smile at commuters on public transport; ask people questions which are more than a simple query about the time.
> Give genuine compliments to strangers.

DOWNSIDES
> The "what sort of flirt are you?' quiz was nice and sweet, but also too simplistic to help decide on a real profile.
> This is not a book for introverts as much as extroverts and shy people. Although many of the items of advice are applicable to anybody, introvert or extrovert, there are too many parties, pubs, and bars mentioned in the book to be something that an introvert would be going, wanting to go or enjoy going to. The pub and drinking culture are very strong in the UK; however, where I live, you don't find quality men in a bar, you find flings.
> Many times (I have experience that myself) flirting is interpreted as 'I am looking for a rout' instead of real flirty sassy get-a-date sort of thing. I wonder whether there is a reason for that, if it is cultural, and whether flirting has some lines that should not be crossed not to get into trouble. Nothing of the sort was mentioned or discussed in the book.
> Some of the advice she gives contradicts that given by other dating gurus. So, whom do we believe?

Unlike Spy the Lie, by the same authors, Get the Truth is not as much as how to spot a lie but what and how to do to extract the truth from the person who is lying and might want or not want to confess. Or in any interpersonal exchange where two sides have conflicting agendas. It’s about the process of exerting influence to elicit truthful information from a person who has a reason to want to withhold it.

This book is not a learn-how sort of book as much as see-how-we-do-it sort of book. However, readers will learn many things about interviewing, interrogation and negotiation because of the author's long years of expertise doing what they do and, at this stage, everything they do it appears natural, genuine and easy.

The book per se finishes about half way.

The first appendix by Peter Romary, has 13 short chapters, which elaborate on the principles on which the authors' system relies, which can be applied to everyday life. Those principles of persuasion were revealed long ago by Cialdini's classic book on influence and persuasion, mostly based on how to exploit human biases to get what we want: optimism bias, confirmation bias, the power of liking somebody and wanting to be liked, the consistency bias, the power of sharing experiences and bonding, the principle of reciprocity, among others. If you have read the classic by Ciadini, you will find that what Romary says is basically Cialdini applied to specific contexts. If you have never heard or read Cialdini's classic, this is a great approach to the principles on which persuasion, the effective one, feeds. In any way, they are useful because sometimes those principles can be used against us or we can be blind-sided by them. This appendix also includes a discussion of the five states of successful negotiation, which I found really helpful for daily life, with great advice about being fair, non-confrontational, respectful and sincere. It also advises on how to deal with the cognitive dissonance of criminals and untruthful people by keeping them in short-thinking mode, and using rationalisation, minimalisation and socialisation, and by setting a pace that is slow but steady with non-coercive questions, then the other person will 'cross the bridge' to your side when they are ready; not being judgemental, being kind and friendly, speaking calmly. Understanding what motivates one person, most wants or fears, make the other person feel comfortable and not judged, genuinely consider all viewpoints and don't be a win-at-all-costs person. 

The second appendix, also by Romary, is just a reminder of how important is preparation and practice to get good at getting the truth. You need to understand the background (ideological, religious, political) of the person you are interrogating, or negotiating with. Romary mentions where to get information about anybody, both in public and private records and online media. Most of what he says is simplistic and nothing you don't already know, and nothing that deserves an appendix.

The third appendix is a transcript of the actual interview with O.J. Simpson, whose interrogation is mentioned and used throughout the book to exemplify good and bad interrogation techniques.

BIG YAIS
A good summary of some of the points discussed in the book can be found in the boxed summary 'lessons we have learned', pp. 144-148.

One of the main points that the authors make is that to get a confession you don't need to be coercitive, aggressive, violent or use torture, because that would hardly get you the truth. Most of chapter 13, the elefant in the room, is full of great sound advise and  makes great points on why does not work, and where do you draw the line.

The book also has a glossary and an subject index, which, to my delight, is hyperlinked.

DOWNSIDES

If you have read Spy the Lie, you will find that some of the examples, real-life cases, described there are also repeated here. They are lovely to read, but I would have appreciated them bringing something new to the table. 

Although the authors advise being genuine and sincere, they advise something I consider unethical. For example,

But coming across as sincere is absolutely essential, and accomplishing that sometimes forces you to lie, especially when feeling any sense of genuine sympathy is simply impossible. (p. 46).

Also, in the first appendix, Romary says : 

"There is no such thing as a human lie detector"  (p. 14).

I cannot believe that a book that is so packed with information is also one of the most entertaining books I've read lately.

Three ex-CIA agents, now working privately with information and methods that were unclassified in 1996 (and so they can be taught and shared) spill the beans on the system they apply to detect lies. This method, called L-Square Mode System, works by observing what 'the suspect' says, does and reacts, and by learning to make the right kind of questions to spot deceiving behaviour. It all comes down to body language, congruency in speech and behaviour within the subject's own idiosyncrasy. It also come down to being aware of our self-defeating beliefs and limitations  to spot a lie: the belief that people will not lie to us, and are innocent until proved  guilty, the reliance on behavioural myths, the complexity of communication, our own biases, the 'global' influence, and how smart we think we are.

The system relies on getting clusters of deceiving information, not just individual clues. However, one of the most surprising statements in their method to me is that if we can identify the first deceiving behaviour (verbal or non-verbal) in the first 5 seconds (yes, seconds!) we can reasonable conclude that that behaviour is directly linked with the stimulus. (p. 31). And, of course, the higher the number of deceiving behaviours exhibited by a person, the most likelihood of deception.

One of the most important things to keep in mind when applying this system is that its virtue relies on its simplicity, that deceiving clues do not always equal deceit or a lie, that the system is not bullet-proof, that the more we practise the better we get at it, and part of the success depends on obtaining information in a non-confrontational non-judgemental non-aggressive way. The authors have successfully applied this system for years, and once we go through the book and see some of their examples (especially the long transcript and examination in appendix 2), you will notice that you can, too, start spotting deceiving behaviour.

The book has a glossary with simple explanations of all the specialised terms the authors use throughout this work. I always appreciate the effort when electronic books have the index properly hyperlinked, which is the case here.

The main downside of the book is that is not particularly didactic if you want a step-by+step sort of book. Some of the things that prevent the book from being more user- friendly are:
> I usually love end of chapters' summaries or key points, as they are really useful bits to go back when one wants to re-read a book. Oddly enough, some of those summaries are placed in the middle of a page, interrupting the narration and some of them not directly related to what's immediately said.
> The amount of information and types of questions they offer can be complicated because they are called in a certain way, and because they all involve different and dynamic approaches that vary depending on how the subject of interest reacts. Why not creating a cheat-sheet scheme to have it at hand?
> I would have loved a section with exercises for us to practise, with hidden solutions at the end of the book. Just a suggestion!
> Some of the statements about body language are familiar to me, but it would have been really useful having some figures or photos with some of those mentioned in the book.

Overall this a fascinating book that left me wanting to know more and dig deeper. I find it very useful to unleash your inner Matahari or inner Bond, get a gist of the approach to interrogation that Intelligence and law-enforcement agencies use, and most importantly, provides readers with tools to use it with family, friends and co-workers to obtain true information or spot deceiving behaviour.