Intimate Communion: Awakening Your Sexual Essence by David Deida (1996)

, 25 Aug 2018

When we confuse functional roles in the workplace with the naturally different sexual desires of most men and women, everybody suffers. (Locs. 461-462). We will always attract the reciprocal of the energy we put out. (Loc. 2058).
Intimate Communion is an old book, first published in 1996, which, despite the vintage feel of the cover, feels fresh and relevant in many ways 20+ years later.

This is a book for both women and men, on what I would describe as conscious coupling or conscious intimacy, i.e. an evolved way of relating/relationships in which our intrinsic dominant sexual energies are fully expressed and supported within the relationship.  Deida mixes his expertise as couples counsellor and his knowledge of what makes some relationships thrive and collapse, his knowledge of what is characteristic to masculine and feminine essences and energy, a bit of Eastern Philosophy (pondering on the self, energy work and Tantric Sex). The result is Deida's unique voice in the world of couples counselling, a voice that needs to be taken into account to transcend most people's dissatisfying and unfulfilled relationships, where sexual apathy and/or cheating are too common to ignore.

Deida defines Intimate Communion as the art of opening in love and the art of cultivating sexual polarity by gifting from our unique sexual essence. The aim is to supersede old forms of relating, get above an equal 50-50 relationship to another that can be 50-50 for many things but it is sexually charged, a relationship of free surrender in which both people feel alive and constantly feed their passion and natural non-tabooed flow of energies. Intimate communion has nothing to do with our gender, sexual orientation or religious beliefs. It is based on sexual energy, which varies from person to person disregarding their gender. Intimate Communion is a very honest open way of relating, based on respect, acceptance and surrender; it demands opening our heart moment by moment even when we are hurt and upset instead of retreating, giving the cold shoulder or punishing our partner for the hurt. Intimate Communion works on the three levels that keep a relationship finely tuned through the ages: mind, heart and sexuality.

It sounds very Gwyneth Paltrow! 

MY HIGHLIGHTS
>> Deida clearly explains the difference between love, romance and sexual polarity. He calls our attention to the  fact that people often mix gender equality and the neutralisation of our native masculine or feminine sexual energies. He also makes a relevant differentiation between men-women at work and social equality, and couple dynamics.
>> The three stages of intimacy, of which Deida speaks over and over again, give you a clear sense of how intimacy is a process of growth, how different kinds of relationships work for men and women, and how emotional, sexual and gender issues manifest individually and differentially in those three different stages.
>> Deida's insight into the masculine energy is profound, and goes from the daily life to the metaphysical. It really helped me to recognise men I've come across in my life and see in which stage they were at. Deida understands the modern man's quest to regain his masculinity and become a 3rd stage man, that is a man who does not need to dominate, domineer, or abuse his woman to unleash his true masculine energy. The 3rd stage man is an evolved man, psychologically reassured, who does not need to dominate and wants to relate to a woman who is at a similar stage of development. The 3rd stage man, the way is described in the book, is a man around his 40s or older who has learnt life lessons and is ready to love freely but it is also strongly committed, not because commitment is demanded or expected from him but because he is willing to do so. This commitment is not a ring on the finger, it is an attitude to relationships in which sexual polarity is equally important.
>> Deida gets the modern professional woman, not as much as the modern man, but I felt that many of the things he said were very true. 
>> Something new that I had never heard is that a person can have sexual love affairs with the environment. Just like human beings, places can be more or less feminine, masculine or neutral. And the energy of those places sometimes fills in the vacuum we have when our own sexual essence is not expressed in a polarised relationship.
>> I loved the differentiation that Deida makes between a man's vision quest, man's escaping and man's diddling.

TWO LITTLE CONNECTIONS
>> I found that Deida's analysis would have benefited from Gary Chapman's points in The Five Languages of Love (1995). One of the most important things you can do to re-energise your relationship is learning to recognise the way your partner gives love and wants love to be given to him/her.  The 'languages of love' aren't based on polarity, doing-receiving-giving kinda stuff, but on the way individual personalities, disregarding gender, feel loved and express their love.
>> Having John Gray's Men are from Mars and Women from Venus among my favourite books on relationships, I found that many of the things that Deida says in this book were basically a repetition of what Dr Gray had written in 1992 (Deida's book was written in 1995). 

THE DOWNSIDES
>> The quiz to figure out your sexual essence is very useful, but also very simplistic.
>> The constant use of consciousness associated to male energy bothered me, not because I thought it wasn't meaningful as an element of a 3rd stage man, but because it seemed to imply that an enlarged consciousness is not as important to the feminine. Personally, I've found more women with high level of consciousness than men, that's my experience! I'm not saying that Deida believes that high consciousness is not proper to a highly evolved feminine woman, but the book reads as if high developed consciousness is a privilege of the masculine.
>> Although Deida's description and view of modern women is accurate in general, I felt that some of his discourse was anchored in the male's preference on how the feminine should be expressed, and how it was expressed in the past because women had no voice or liberties until the beginning of the 20th century. Put it differently, one thing is the feminine essence and another how that essence has been expressed in the past, where there weren't natural ways of expression for women except for those imposed and sanctioned by men. I found that some of Deida's statements felt in this category. A man telling a woman how to be feminine. Which is as ridiculous as woman telling a man how his scrotum feels in his pants. Two statements in his discourse really put me off: 
      1/ Deida says that the essence of the feminine woman is radiance and beauty, and that calling a woman ugly is the worse insult for a female. Well, that it's the case if you are talking to a superficial insecure moronic woman. Deida's statement is a  distorted view of the female essence as some men would like it to be. A woman can be very feminine and spiritual and don't give a dam about beauty. Deida's statement also diminishes the intellect of the woman. I think most women would feel more insulted by a man telling them that their brain/intellect is 'unnecessary' to their femininity than being called ugly. I think that spirituality and intelligence contribute more to women's radiance that their beauty and many men would also tell you that.
      2/ I found the following statement very dangerous:
"Although it is a far cry from being sweetly ravished and overwhelmed by love in the ultimate embrace of perfect Intimate Communion with a partner, it is still a form of surrendering to another in the hope of fulfilment, just as is raising a family, opening sexually with Her lover, or giving Her time and energy to a social cause. In each case, She hopes to he filled with love by surrendering Her sense of self to something else. In the case of a woman in a Dependence Relationship like Charlene, this "something else" is often the control or aggression of her man-receiving his angry attention fills her more than receiving no attention at all". (Locs 2541-2544).
The statement forgets that many women cannot leave an abusive relationship because they don't have economical independence, or a safe place where to escape, or they psyche is so wounded that they cannot counteract. It somewhat blames the female energy for the abuse. I was shocked at reading this statement. I don't think this would be published nowadays or should have been ever published.  
>> Deida's advice on healing and overcoming old patterns of behaviour in relationships might be contradicted by Jungian psychoanalysis, which tells you that this can be  rarely achieved even you have the luxury of doing therapy; you can become conscious of your patterns of behaviours, ghosts and shadow issues, but overcome them, they say, rarely. You learn to live with them. Of course, solution-oriented therapy says that this is possible. So, who knows?! 
>> There is a chapter about embracing the taboo, but Deida never explains what he means by taboo nor digs in on the subject. I would have loved a more open discussion on this.
>> The book is very repetitive at times, with the same sentence repeated sometimes in contiguous paragraphs. That's the editor's fault.

TYPO
"Two Masculines do not a polarity make." (Loc., 2039).

KINDLE RENDITION
The conversion of the book into digital format shows a separation of the two parts of an h quite frequently, as well as some of the letters of a word. 

How to Survive Change You Didn't Ask For: Bounce Back, Find Calm in Chaos, and Reinvent Yourself by M. J. Ryan

, 18 Aug 2018

I have read a few books on crisis and change in the last couple of years and this is, despite the modest ratings and small number of reviews on Amazon, the most helpful of them all in you are in the middle of a life and/or career crisis.

Above all, this is a book on how to change your mindset, the one that freezes, depresses and angers you and prevents you from seeing things clearly, from being fully rational, and getting into action. The book offers a set of tools, techniques, attitudes and behaviours to avoid or minimise the fight, flight, or freeze response to increase your ability to adapt and move on. There is also a quest for meaning, to see the silver lining in your crisis, to see it as the step before to something better, to accept change with grace and resilience still being true to who you are. The process of change, as discussed in the book is shown in the figure below: 


GOOD POINTS
> I expect a book on how to overcome crisis to be written by people who have been there and succeeded. However, most of the books out there have never truly experienced it; it is all abstract studies on patterns of behaviour seen on business people and so they re elitist and unrelatable for anybody who is not in those privileged circumstances, which is most o us. On the contrary this books' author has personally gone through hell several times and came out victorious, so I can relate to anything she says and any the advice she gives.

> Ryan's talk is helpful because it makes you feel understood and even cared for. She describes quite precisely what is going on in your life and in your mind even though she doesn't know you or your specific circumstances.

> One of the things that unwanted change brings up is a perennial state of anxiety, fear, shame and despair, a state of mind that is really damaging because it is not rational, it brings up all the personal complexes and fears that we have ever experienced and freeze us on the spot. Learning to understand why that happens and how to stop it, is priceless.

> The book is clearly written and very well structured. As the author herself states, it is based, on her own experience and pragmatism, and on a a vast number of books on brain science, organisational and positive psychology, and spirituality.

>  There is a bit of positive wishful thinking but you didn't get this book to get depress, right?


I LOVED
> All the figures in the book are very simple but extremely clear  to understand Ryan's points.
> The list Top Ten Change Sinkholes.
>  The Seven Truths about Change:
# Change is the one thing you can count on.
# It's not personal.
# Your thinking is not always your friend.
# Change isn't the enemy, fear is.
# There is a predictable emotional cycle of change.
# Your are more resilient than you may think.
# Your future is built on a bedrock that is unchanging.
> The actions of a change master: 1/ Accept change. 2/ Expand your options. 3/ and take action.
> The twenty quick tips for surviving the change you didn't ask at the end of the book.

SOME WEAK POINTS
> There are too many examples of real-life cases.

> There are way too many quotes in the book.

> Some times the main point of three pages is just a repetition of what the title of the section has, so what follows is a bit repetitive and redundant.

> I found Ryan's comments on networking the weakest part of the book. Firstly, introverts' ways of relating aren't even considered. Secondly, she ignores the fact that sometimes your network (personal or professional)  might not have any expertise on how the job market is nowadays. They could be vomiting onto you old adages that aren't helpful at all ('when a door closes another opens', 'you'll find something' or my favourite 'take care'). Your network might not be able to give you financial help even if they wanted, or you could have no family or friends in your country of residence, or they might be too old or sick to attend to you and your crisis. The variables are infinite.  Besides,  Ryan herself says at the beginning of the book that one of the characteristics of modern life is the speed of change, and how different the job market is from the past, meaning 10-20 years ago (not last century) so you should not be asking your current network for any advice, perhaps just for hugs and kisses. Ryan says that it is best to cultivate a varied peer network when you aren't in a crisis, but that is a bit unrealistic and manipulative. Most people, when things are going on OK, won't think  "I need to diversify my group of friends just in case I get into trouble in life and I need to use them" do you see what I am saying? That has put me off in the past, and I guess many genuine people would also be put off for that sort of 'build a network' that is useful to me.

> Ryan asks you, “What's the worst thing that could happen?” Much of the time they realise it's not that big of a deal". I'm all for not being too negative, but hey, really, there are so many examples of normal people who end living in poverty or in the streets nowadays that we cannot ignore it. Normal people who, like you and me, had houses, business, great jobs and families, and would have never thought that the street would be their home.  People who lost their jobs and were renting and cannot rent any more so they sleep on a park. There was item of news on this on the news the other day. Normal people.

> One of the exercises is 'Ask you future self for help", really...?  You are confused, I am confused, we are confused and lost, remember? Ring ring to the future. No answer, sorry. 

KINDLE EDITION
The links to her coaching website are generic, so the specific tools she recommends are no longer accessible at the front page.

Getting Unstuck: A Guide to Discovering Your Next Career Path by Timothy Butler

, 8 Aug 2018

 In Getting Unstuck, Butler --a social scientist, psychotherapist and career counsellor-- provides a Jungian-derived practical career counselling  book to face personal upheaval, dramatic changes and periods of 'impasse' in which you suffer an existential and professional crisis. 

THE FIRST PART is a reflection of how impasse works, what shows up, and why you are stuck. Crisis shows you that your familiar models of being and working aren't working, and force you to stop, ponder, and learn new ways to move on and move in a better direction. You need to accept the impasse and the darkness it brings as a pre-requisite to positive change; sometimes it's the step needed to lead you to a more fulfilling life and career and to psychological growth. You have to let go of  your hold to the past (distorted self-images, ego's love for familiarity, fear, family pressure, personal demons, selves left behind) and learn to recognise the nasty voices that show up when things don't go well (the inner critic), and give up mental models that do not work for you any more. 

THE SECOND PART is an exploration of your personality traits because personality structure relates to job choices and career satisfaction. The system works on three levels: figuring out what your deepest interests are, learning to be guided by your passions, and figuring out what drives you, power, people or achievement. The 100-job exercise is designed to bring up those natural skills, passions, values and characteristics that are personal to you, to move you into the right direction.

THE THIRD PART is a put-all-together sort of chapter to help you in decision making and get unstuck to find a life path and career that are satisfying, exciting and sustainable. 

THINGS I LIKED

>  Butler uses a Jungian approach to crisis (he uses archetypal classification, shadow work, creative imagination, and ancestors/parental projection), mixed with mindfulness, and his own original scientific system created to circumvent your insistence on certain career paths and orientations that don't work for you any longer. The system helps you to unveil hidden dormant talents and passions that are part of who you really are  but you don't normally use or are aware you have.
> Butler asks you to stop and ponder on different questions, to answer them to yourself. Some of  them are really good and will make things clear to you about your conditioning, aims, and whether a job is really good for you or not.  
> The advice and strategies suggested to defeat your inner critic when it appears at your weakest darkest hour is really good. 
> One of the statements that resonated the most with me, and I think one of the most important nuggets to remember from the book, is this:
"Our perceptions—and preconceptions—of talent are too often intertwined with sense of self. “What are you good at?” all too easily slides into “What good are you? Of what value are you?” These are difficult waters to navigate, particularly treacherous at key life transitions when we are most tempted to play judge when assessing our own accomplishments." (locs 1671-1673)
> The archetypal classification in types, which links certain patterns of behaviour, personality traits and interests create excellent psychological-professional profiles, which I personally found very useful and relatable. The archetypes are: the engineer, the number cruncher, the professor, the artist, the coach, the team leader, the boss, the persuader, the action hero, and the organizer.
> Appendix A is a good commented bibliography, something that is rare to find nowadays and, therefore, something I really appreciate.
> Appendix B, contains an important brief reflection about the differences between clinical depression and impasse depressive moods.
> Appendix C has the scoring for the 100-job system, and puts together each profession with one of the archetypal patterns. Table 3-1, "Recognising the Pattern" is also very good and clear to understand how certain thinks link together.

SO SO

The model used to figure out things is based on the 100-profession exercise, on which results other exercises build on. A great an original well-thought system, which I think will be great to work on with Butler as a counsellor, but, as it is presented in the book, it is not always clear, especially the part about working with imagery and dynamic tension.You are supposed to find 10 professions that you might want to do if you were able to and there was no obstacle whatsoever; I had difficulty finding even 10 that I liked; this is so because most of the professions are non-artistic, non-Humanities, business and managerial jobs. Just say, I would love to be a hairdresser, or a tailor, or be a ballerina,  well, these professions aren't mentioned. 
> Introversion/extroversion aren't apparently part of the equation, and the system suffers because two people could have the same life interests,  passions  and talents, but their introspective or extrovert intrinsic nature would lead them through very different paths. Perhaps these two element are part of the system but, as an introvert, I found that it wasn't  that obvious.


NOT SO GOOD

> You have to wait to the end of the book, literally, for Butler to explain what he means by impasse. And when you get the definition, is not that clear, and not what most people picking this book for  thought it was, because, speaking for myself, this was supposed to be a career, job or life crisis book not about an existential crisis.
> The examples from real cases and people go forever, are uninteresting, and mostly based on business people and professionals to whom I could not relate.
> Butler's writing is not always polished and clear, and some paragraphs would have needed of a better editing or editor.
> One of the many examples Butler uses in the book is that of cyclist Lance Armstrong, obviously written before the cheating scandal broke up; this ages the book and is no longer valid as an example for anything.
> In Deep Dive 'Dimensions of Achievement', Butler asks the following question: "Imagine forward to one year from now. At the end of the next twelve months, what would make you feel that you have done 'real work' and made a genuine contribution?". Isn't that called science fiction? Most people picking up this book won't be able to answer this because they would be without a job or a career in a process of transition with no idea on what is happening to them. They are stuck, remember?
> Butler tells you what do with the dynamic tensions we unearth in the 100-profession exercise. And he says "not try to “solve” the tension. Just experience it. Ultimately, you must live the resolution, not think your way through" (locs 2160-2161). What is that supposed to mean, really?

THE BOOK IS NOT FOR YOU IF

> You already know your  talents, weaknesses and vocation and are still stuck. 
> You have lost your job at middle age and the job market is not welcoming or favourable to older fellows or just you even though you have great talents.
> Your gender, age or origin are a hurdle that you have jump over.
> You are professional, but managerial or business jobs aren't your thing.
> You are a Humanities person, not a Science of Business fellow.
> You don't know what to do next but have to pay your bills, so need something more practical because you don't have the time to existential munching over a pina colada.

THE BOOK IS FOR YOU IF 

> You have finished your University studies and are a bit lost, and don't know where to go or are unsure about two or more choices.
> You are gravitating around business and managerial professions.
> You need to figure out how to match your inner traits, personality, skills and passions to find a  satisfying career.
> You have the luxury of spare time, energy and money to stop and re-evaluate your career options, satisfaction, long term projection, etc 

KINDLE EDITION

A very good edition, with no typos on view and hyper-linked notes, but references to tables aren't. Some of the tables in the book, which are included in the Kindle edition, cannot be seen properly in full on android. Although arrows allow to move back and forward through the table, one cannot see it properly, which is a pity. They work well in Kindle for PC.