Teo Degas' Books & Decks

Gladwell has the talent to speak of relevant issues that affect our modern society and still make the issue engaging and fascinating.

In Talking to Strangers Gladwell uses different study cases coming from the world of politics, espionage, business, court trials, rape, and murder, among others, to extract some common denominators that explain how and why we all relate to strangers the way we do, why we are so bad at talking at strangers, at detecting blatant lies, and seeing  what we really have in front of our us for what it is.

This is an enjoyable, fascinating and complex book waved like an Irish Jersey, using different wool threads and knitting techniques to produce an unique product. Said differently, this isn't a straightforward book. Sometimes, Gladwell seems to be talking about things that have nothing to do with the subject of the book; however, if you listen attentively, you'll realise that everything being said serves to make a point.  If you aren't able to follow a path through a forest to get to destination, this book it isn't for you; this is how the book feels, so the light isn't always there, the path might be obscure and meandering, but keep walking and you'll get there.

After finishing the book I found myself noticing some of the things he comments on the book while watching the news, or talking to my brother about his coworkers, for example. What Gladwell says is really applicable to our daily life and it allows us to see ourselves with a bit of more compassion. 

I love learning new things, and this book was packed with information I knew nothing about:

• Default truth.
• Transparency myth.
• Facial Action Coding System (FADS).
• Illusion of asymmetric insight. 
• Kafka Scenario.
• Myopia theory of alcohol.
• Displacement theory.
• And much more. 

SUMMARY OF THE BOOK

We are terrible at talking and making sense of strangers and detecting lies; even judges in court cannot escape this flaw. We all make the same assumptions about strangers, use stereotypes that are rarely true, and believe that the information we gather from a personal interaction is uniquely valuable and reliable, when, in fact, it is far from it.  This is so because our strategies in dealing with strangers are flawed by three evolutionary psychological and cultural constrictions:
1/ Truth Default Theory. We depart from the assumption that everyone we deal with is truthful. We believe something about someone not because we don't have doubts about them, but because we don't have enough doubts. DTT has evolutionary advantages as prevents us from living in paranoia and allows us to have meaningful encounters and relationships. DTT becomes a problem when we are forced to choose between two alternatives, one of them likely and the other impossible to imagine; DTT buys us in favour of the most likely interpretation.
2/ Transparency Myth. We believe that we can decipher a person's nature by looking at their facial expression and paying attention to their demeanor, as we are convinced that those are a window to their soul. In other words, we believe that their behaviour and intentions are an exact match. We can largely blame literature and movies for perpetuating this belief. It's an halo effect. Blind auditions and computer decisions are usually more accurate in deciphering strangers than people. Because we tend to judge people' honesty based on their demeanor, nervous and odd people who offer convoluted explanations aren't seen as believable, and we don't do well with mismatches and social misfits.
3/ Coupling. We aren't able to understand the importance of the context in which a stranger operates, since behaviors are linked to specific circumstances and conditions. For example, some behaviours are consciously coupled to a place or circumstance, like suicide or crime.


THE NOT SO GOOD

The introduction, where  Gladwell discuses the famous meeting between Hernan Cortes and Montezuma and their misunderstanding of each other's intentions. The episode per se is really enjoyable, but the problem was a linguistic problem, a problem of translation, not a problem of not knowing how to talk to strangers. It relates to language and communication, how language and translation work. How strangers work, not so much.

The chapter on alcohol consumption and rape. Granted, most of what Gladwell says about how alcohol affects one's brain, personality and behaviour is true. However, it adds little value to the core thread of the book, and any other example would have worked better. In addition, I find confronting some of the thing he says. I side more with the statement of the raped girl, who didn't blame the alcohol for her rape,  but culture or the way some men are educated. Why do some drunk guys rape drunk girls and not others? is a simple question that can serve to debunk his fixation on alcohol. I am not saying that being drunk doesn't contribute to the problem,  but women are raped every day in countries where alcohol is forbidden and not consumed, doesn't that say something about the intrinsic nature of the problem?

Although I found all the case studies fascinating, the conclusion we get after going through all of them is really simple -- We don't know much about strangers because we are psychologically and culturally wired to be like that, so the only thing we can do is not to apply stereotypes, act with caution and humility towards strangers. What is that supposed to mean? Are there some social, sociological or psychological strategies that we can implement to improve our approach to strangers? Some ways of communication that favor or are detrimental to dealing with strangers beyond what it is said in the book? Are there cultures where people react towards strangers in ways that are wiser and more insightful? I was left wanting a bit of more digging.
 

THE AUDIBLE EDITION

This audio book is a delight to listen to. This is one of those cases when the audio book is better than the written book, and that it's an achievement in itself. 

Gladwell, who also narrates the book, is a terrific storyteller. He knows how to use his voice to read in a way that seems natural, effortless and engaging. He's passionate about what he's talking about, so you can feel the excitement in his voice. He's not an actor or a presenter, so we shouldn't forget that.

Besides, the audio book includes Gladwell's snippets of his interviews with some of the subjects or researchers mentioned in the book. The audio book also reproduces some media and archival interviews, and includes reenactments of some private court proceedings using court transcripts. 

The book chapters are connected by a tribal song. which Gladwell heard and selected himself for the book. It seems irrelevant to the book, but it's quite the contrary.

Listening to this book was like listening to a documentary. It had that sort of freshness and cinematic quality. Delightful.

If you have never read Deida, want to read one of his books and are undecided on which one to  choose, this is, to me, your book. Whether you read it or listen to it in Audible format, this is the clearer more practical Deida, still with all the points that make him one of the must-reads in couples relationships.

If you have read other books by Deida, you'll find that many of the things he  says here, no surprise, are a rehearse of what he said in Intimate Communion and It's a guy Thing or Instant Enlightenment :

>  The difference between love, fall in love and sexual polarity; 

> The differences between the ways the masculine and feminine energies manifest and relate.

> The core qualities of the masculine and the feminine. 

> What attracts to the masculine and the feminine.

> The three stages of being of the masculine and feminine and the three stages of relating.

However, he's more to the point and clearer here than in the other books I mention.  Deida also goes into a bit of more depth regarding sexuality and discusses:

> The six levels of sexuality.

> The darkest aspects of the masculine/feminine and sexuality. 

> Monogamy, polygamy and commitment.

This audible version has three sets of guided long exercises to do, one on your own and with your partner. The aim is to create an open circulating connection of the breath, the body, heart, the divine and energy, very Tantric in essence. They help to connect partners in very powerful ways, enhancing orgasm and heart connection. Copulating with the divine is an image that I won't be able to forget.

Two little thingies.:

> The first is that Deida uses the word primitive-civilised in ways that are outdated and not considered appropriate, as they are western-centric; really some primitive cultures are way more evolved than 'civilised' ones, in many things about being civilised aren't that evolved, are an involution.

> As I've commented in other books by Deida, his comments on women abused by domestic violence should be re-written so his message is expressed in a way that doesn't sound like it's the victim's fault. I get that this is not what Deida intends at all, but most women out there might feel uncomfortable, to say the least, at reading/hearing some of the connections about feminine energy and being abused that Deida makes.  

The audible edition of the book has a great sound quality, and it is wonderfully neat and well-structured. The book is narrated by Deida himself. Deida has a great diction and is a natural in the way he narrates the book, without the listener feeling that Deida is reading anything; he also has a wonderful voice, very masculine, velvety, and sensual, which might turn on some of the ladies and get an extra bonus.

The best thing I've read from Deida, still with his usual Tantric, sexy, spiritual, untamed no-BS approach to relating.

Audible is one of the best and more domineering apps for audio books in the market. I have been using the app first on my PC and then on my smartphone for many years.

The selection of books is the best you can fin, not only novels, but also for non-fiction books and educational stuff. This is the case for Audible America, as other subsidiary branches are not even half as good and I would rather subscribe to Audible America than to Audible whatever country even if you pay a little bit more.

 Here a wrap-up of my experience with Audible

THE GOODIES

>> Audible is a great listening app devoted to Audible-formatted audio books.

>> The app is really easy to use and move around.
>> In the lateral menu you can find almost anything: your library, the store, wish-list, FAQ, settings, etc. Besides, the vertical triple dots beside the account name and beside each book give you extra options.

>> You can decide whether to download the books into your device or your SD card.

>> You can choose the quality of the recording you download, standard or HQ, the latter being almost double in size.

>> If you are registered with Amazon, you can access Audible without the need of having to register or signing in again.

>> You can listen to your books online, on your PC, on your tablet and smartphone. I do have them in three different devices and I have no problem at all.

>> Customer Service is easy to reach by phone, mail and chat and they are very helpful and lovely people!

>> One can report a problem or bug from the app itself, from the help section.
>> Good quality sound, crystal-clear recordings and well presented works.

AUDIBLE IS ESPECIALLY GOOD IF

> If you are blind and rely on audio books for reading.

> If your purchase audio books mostly from Audible and don't need or want them to use them in Universal readers with other audio books from other stores.

> If you pay for the Annual Platinum Membership, you get two credits per month and will be paying about 10 bucks per item.

> If you are buying a book that has the same price or less than the version on paper or Kindle.

> If you are buying an unabridged copy of a long book or a series compiled together.

> If you are buying a course with many lectures, like those from The Great Courses and The Modern Scholar, as they are great value for money, and much cheaper than the CD or Video recording, and they come with the full companion book on PDF.

> If you spend your credits on expensive books, not on the cheapies. One credit can buy you a 10-buck audio book or a 60-buck audio book, so the latter is always the best value for money. If you have a long list of books you are interested on, choose the most expensive!

> If you know that the narrator of a book is really good. You can pre-listen to the course, for free, before buying. That gives you a clear idea, or at least does so to me.

> If you are a traveller or just move a lot between cities or countries, any digital format is the best thing for your life-style, as they don't need to be packaged or carried, and you have them always available in your member area.

THE NOT SO GOOD

~ Audible plans are pricey. I understand that an audible book is not just a book,as the process of recording and the paying of the narrator need to be taken into account. The price cannot be the same as printing a copy on paper or publishing an e-book. However, some books are still expensive for average families, especially if you are an avid reader or listener!

~ The simple membership per month is almost 15 bucks, but one gets just one credit. In the past used to be two!

~ One cannot find the annual memberships in the member area. One has to surf the FAQ and then contact Customer Service to get the subscription done. That is a pity because the annual memberships are the best option for people, or at least for me.

~ If you buy a Kindle book and there is an Audible version of the same, the latter is offered to you at reduced prices. Well, the contrary is not the case! I recommend checking the Kindle format first and them buying the audio book if you really want the two, instead of doing the contrary. It will save you money.

~ The chapters do not have title in the lateral menu, just numbers. That is so unhelpful!

~ The app is synchronizable and you can buy from the app, so they need access to a few things in your device: identity, phone number, acces to Wi-Fi and microphone. I am OK with that. What I am not OK is with Audible-Amazon having an open door to my contacts (why?!), my photos, media, device id, call log, etc. 

~~ You cannot read your audible books in other apps as they are DRP docos, even when the authors themselves are OK with you having the right to use the book the way you like it once you purchase it.

~~ When you buy an Audible book you are just hiring the copy for life, sort of, you cannot lend it to your mum or "bestie" for reading as you would do with a hard copy. In other words, you don't own the book, you own the right to have your book in your member area as long as you are member. 

THINGS TO IMPROVE

> As previously mentioned, the chapters do not have titles in the lateral menu, just numbers. That would be easy to fix!

> The statistics suffer from some sort of bug, and don't seem to be accurate or synchronise properly. And they could enlarge the group of badges to include those referred to humanities, sciences, religion, entertainment, literature, other languages, etc.

> I cannot transfer my files from my android to my computer and listen to them in my PC. This is a bother, because my Internet is monthly quota-capped and downloading bulky files twice is a no-no. Why not fixing that?!

> Improve the pricing. Make more types of memberships and reward people who use the app a lot.

> I used to love Audible logo, but it has become another orange bland logo without distinctive personality. Please change it!

David Livermore PhD, President of the Cultural Intelligence Center and an expert on the field, will delight listeners with this entertaining, poignant and very helpful course that helps to understand the multicultural multifaceted world we live in.

If you have a high CQ (or  a high level of cultural awareness and receptivity) you will naturally gravitate towards this course. If you aren't, just give the course a chance, as the lectures will help you in your travels overseas or simply to understand your foreign neighbours better.

I have travelled throughout the world and on my own  quite frequently, so I can say that the advice given in the course is sound and well-grounded, and that Livermore's approach to the cultures of the world is quite accurate. There is a Spanish proverb that I love: "allá donde fueres, haz lo que vieres", which roughly translates, "wherever you go, do what the locals do"; this is, precisely, one of the main items of advice in the course.

I found the lectures most helpful to understand my life as an immigrant and I got a few ahas! and "that is it" from  the first twelve lectures.That it is priceless.

The course is not a list of dos or do-nots, although some of those are provided at the end of each of the lectures devoted to individual cultural areas of the world.

THE LECTURES

The course is structured in two main parts. The first part is an overview of ten pairs of opposed general traits that serve to define most cultures (lessons 3-12). The second part gives a general overview of the different cultural clusters of the world, which are configured by applying the criteria mentioned in the first lectures, as well as religion, family structure, and history. The course starts with a definition of what CQ (Cultural Intelligence index) is, and ends with a series of practical items of advice on how to prepare to travel to a country with a different culture.

The list of lectures is: 1- Culture Matters. 2- Developing Cultural Intelligence. 3- Identity—Individualist versus Collectivist. 4- Authority—Low versus High Power Distance. 5- Risk—Low versus High Uncertainty Avoidance. 6- Achievement—Cooperative versus Competitive. 7- Time—Punctuality versus Relationships. 8- Communication—Direct versus Indirect. 9- Lifestyle—Being versus doing. 10- Rules—Particularist versus Universalist. 11- Expressiveness—Neutral versus Affective. 12- Social Norms—Tight versus Loose. 13- Roots of Cultural Differences. 14- Anglo Cultures. 15- Nordic European Cultures. 16-  Germanic Cultures. 17-Eastern European/Central Asian. 18- Latin European Cultures. 19- Latin American Cultures. 20-  Confucian Asian  Cultures. 21- South Asian Cultures. 22- Sub-Saharan African Cultures. 23- Arab Cultures. 24- Cultural Intelligence for Life.

THINGS I LIKED

> Livermore is a wonderful speaker: very engaging, has a great tone, pitch and voice inflection, very entertaining and open minded. He is also able to structure and present the material in a way that is both easy to understand, and easy to apply to our personal lives and cultural context. He gives many examples of his personal life, which perfectly apply to what he is explaining.
> Livermore explains why some clichés and stereotypes aren't true and what lies beneath them, and repeatedly reminds listeners that what he is saying is general and cannot be taken as a black-and-white description. We are not robots, we are part of our culture, but also individuals.
> Another point I loved, is the the importance the Livermore gives to food, the foods, how food is eaten, table manners, table customs, etc. to see the values and characteristics of any given culture. It is very true!
> I found Livermore especially good at individuating a simple element within a culture, one that might be apparently not relevant, and turn it into a symbol of the culture he is describing. One of the best examples, to me is how he uses the Matrioshka dolls to explain the characteristics of the Eastern European block, or Ikea for the Nordics. There are many examples of the same type.
 > Livermore basically tell us to look at the world with fresh eyes, with less stereotypes and clichés, and to learn to appreciate the richness of ways of being and doing that humans exhibit, which aren't better or worse than any other, just different.
> I loved the fact that Livermore pointed out that the fact that a person belongs to a certain culture doesn't eliminate their individuality, so we cannot judge a culture by the behaviour of an individual, or vice versa.
> One of the best items of advice in the course is that we, Livermore included, have prejudices, and that the more we become aware of them, the better will be face other cultures and people from other cultures with the right attitude.
> We don't need to love or agree with the customs or culture of a given region or country, we need to respect them. It sounds simple, but basically I find most travellers I come across when I don't travel on my own doing just the contrary! Demanding. Disrespecting. Showing disgust because some people don't speak English or have a strong accent and a long list of grievances that are very painful to witness.
> This course has put Livermore in my author-to-follow radar. I liked a lot how he speaks, his attitude and the way he presents the material.

THINGS I MISSED

> One of the main divisions of cultures is the structure of family. Although Livermore mentions family structure when discussing some culture clusters, there is no specific lesson devoted to something as important. I thought that nuclear vs extended family was a lesson necessary and missing from the course!
> The same can be said of the role of women. Being a woman who has travelled on my own to many places, I can tell you that there is a huge difference between cultures where women are treated with respect disregarding whether they are married or not, and others where that is not the case. I missed a lesson on that. Too often, I find myself discussing things with male travellers about a given country or area, and we had different experiences basically because of our gender.
> The same can be say about cultures that are gay friendly or anti-gay. Some of my friends are gay, and you have to think about many things if you are married to a person of the same gender to certain areas or sleep in the same bed when going to certain parts of the world.
> Another element missing, although hinted during the discussion of cultural clusters, is the generational gap.The country where my parents lived in and the one I was born and grew up were two extremes regarding structure of the family, social hierarchy, power distance, open communication etc. That has been the source of great generational conflict. You have to be aware that if you visit my country and deal with old people you will find a set of values, and if you deal with me or people younger than me you will find another. So, I missed a bit of more emphasis on that.
>  In a way, when I picked this course I wanted not only to improve my CQ and to learn about other cultures, but also to learn how to respond to people from other cultures who have a low CQ but utter very offensive, albeit subtle, racist and very demeaning comments about my culture and country of origin mostly based on prejudice and ignorance. I consider responding well to those attacks and abuse part of improving my CQ. However, this is the most difficult thing in the world to do when one feels hurt or unfairly treated on the basis of nothing. I expected some advice on that, but nothing is provided in the course. Perhaps this was just an expectation, and not part of what having CQ is?

THINGS OFF 

> Livermore's  rosy version of the Anglo-Saxon culture and the British Empire. Really, I found offensive  the consideration that the British collaborated with local population and ignoring how the British crushed local populations,, how they destroyed Native Americans, Aborigines and any other culture that wasn't willing to accept their domination. Collaboration happened in some places, but the locals were never considered equals or equal human beings.  Do you remember Gandhi being thrown out of the train and tortured by the British? I leave it there.
> Livermore insists on us not using the information in the course to create stereotypes or clichés. Yet, if you choose a Brazilian as  an example of a person whonis always late or an Ukrainian as an example of rude customer service you are perpetuating the stereotypes! It doesn't matter that Livermore gives very successful explanations for those things.
 > I tend to excuse non-historians in their historical digressions. However, Livermore has a great authority when speaking, and I found a bit dangerous that some of his statements can be taken at face value. Like the one mentioned above about the British colonisation, or the statement that the cultural cluster with more influence in the world has been the Anglo-Saxon... well, just if you are part of that group. If you dig into the structure of your psyche, you will be astonished at discovering that the Western World and part of the Middle East fed on the Greco-Roman culture, ways of being and thinking that persist in our world  no matter you are a Norwegian, a German or an American. Then, the origin of civilisation is in Africa and in Far Middle East, not in Britain, USA nor even Australia. Christianity was born and spread from the Mediterranean, Islam from the Middle East,  Buddhism from Asia.
 > I find seriously ridiculous including Greece in the Eater European cluster. Yes, it is true that the Eastern Europeans fed on the Greek alphabet and Orthodox faith, but, 1/ Greeks are, re their ways of being, doing and thinking, basically Mediterranean and Southern European. 2/ They have never been nomads in the way that Mongolians or Central Asians have been. 3/They are in the Mediterranean, not in Central Europe or Asia. 4/ Greek Culture was the basis of  the Roman  Culture.  5/They have never been part of the USSR. 6/ Etc.!
> A few things are ignored to put Greek with the Eastern Europeans, and then Israel, a nomadic culture by definition, Arab in part is put with the Southern Europeans. Have you ever lived in the Middle East? Well, Israel fits there perfectly.

OTHER THINGS

> I was in Norway just a few months ago. The Janteloven, the "you are nothing special" that seems to infuse Norwegian culture that Livermore mentions so many times is in gus lecture. Older people complain about the younger generations being cocky, showy and too individualistic, so unless you are over 60+, Janteloven is not as important as used to be. Also Livermore mentions that Norwegians aren't in the EU as if they are too good and don't need it, but the fact is that other Nordic countries are in the EU, Norway cannot enter the EU because, if they did, their economy would literally be crushed; and also Norwegians have been historically linked or dependent to/from  other Nordic countries and they want to be just themselves and independent. 
> Livermore mentions repeatedly that "Work to live instead of live to work" is the basis of the Nordic way of living. Well as much as of the Southern European way of living! Just to give a personal example, I worked in Dublin, in a hotel, many years ago, to pay for my English school; most of the workers were seasonal young Europeans, North-Africans and Asians. According to one of the housekeeping managers, the difference between the Southern Europeans and the rest was that they wanted and needed the money as much anybody else, but once they finished work they wanted to have fun and free time, while people from other areas would prefer the money and work in their days off.
> Calling some European cultures "paternalistic" is perpetuating an American stereotype, no matter Livermore says he is using the word with a different meaning than it is used normally. Why not using "egalitarian" or "caring"?
> The comments on the role of women in Southern Europe is also biased and probably true for 80-90y.o. people. Yet, in the year 2016, the index of domestic violence in Sweden and Australia is higher than in some Southern European countries; of course nobody will tell an Australian ir a Swedish that their men are one of most violent and therefore quite domineering over women.