I could not resist the title, and the subject. Any book with the word Fck in the title deserves a bit of attention, especially if good manners is the subject of the book. It is a tantalising or perhaps shocking mix. Rudeness is utterly pathetic. The shop attendant at my grocery shop says, people who don't return your good morning are like animals. Right there lady, they are the new cockroaches.Thank Gosh is not just me:
This is not a book on etiquette but on rudeness in general. Alkon is a journalist and blogger and uses her own (militant) approach to deal with rude people and rudeness in general. Her recipe is a very entertaining cocktail made of good doses of common sense, good upbringing ways of behaving, sprinkled with some reflections on human behaviour from Behavioural and Evolutionary Psychology, and spiced up with a very witty slap on your face sort of writing.The result is sweet and sour and has some hidden cherries in it.
The book's first chapter is terrific, with a reflection on why people are rude or what drives people to be ruder nowadays than in earlier days. In the chapters that follow Alkon deals with manners and rudeness in different areas of daily life: communication, neighbourhood relations,
Internet, dating and relationships, driving, using public transport,
eating in and eating out, apologising, dealing with friends and family with terminal or life-threatening illnesses. The book's last chapter is a swan chant to care, to care more, to see the others as us, to try to integrate the alienated, to be polite because that connects you with other humans beings, even though you don't know them.
The core of the book is "what really matters isn’t how you
set the table or serve the turkey but whether you’re nice to people
while you’re doing it". Treat others the way you want to be
treated. Be Civil. Have empathy. That is it, in a nutshell, the core of manners
everywhere. I love Alkon's relentless
belief in the goodness of humanity, on making a difference to the people
you live or work around or with, and how caring and passionate she seems to be.
Alkon not only shares her irritation (which is sometimes very much mine), and does not stop her
inner cookie monster (I also have one), but she is also very caring and inquisitive, and
there is a mix of serious and funny stuff that makes the book really enjoyable. I found great her advice on how to give an apology, how to deal with very sick friends and how to create a community in your neighbourhood. There is some ideas and practical tips about how to deal with hot-potato
sort of situations or convey your clear loud message without offending
the other person. I also share her approach to email and phone etiquette and how to deal with seat-hogs.
However, most of what Alkon says is, or should be, common knowledge. If
you don't have manners ore grew up in a family that did not bring you up
with rules on how to treat other people, you will get more feed from
this book that if the contrary is the case. The book is good for very
young people, as modern parents have a tendency not to infuse discipline
in their parenting and tend to justify the piggishness of their little
piggies no matter what.
Some of the advice Alkon gives is just applicable to the USA, like
restaurant tipping and how to proceed when a Police Patrol stops you. They are useful
if you are going to travel to the USA, though, but they are not items of manners in most western countries as waiters have the minimum wage guaranteed and Police
seems to have a bit of more ethical conduct and tougher rules to comply with in general.
I find most of her enthusiasm and belief in the goodness of human nature a bit naive. I used to be like her, as I have a natural tendency to connect with strangers even though I am an introvert. Unfortunately, life sometimes teaches lessons that we have to learn. I am not saying that what Alkon says is not good or should not be done. Things and people should be that way. But they are not. It takes two to tango. I agree with what Mark Twain once said, you do not mix or discuss with pigs because, if you do, you will find yourself covered by crap and they won't even listen to you. Said differently, pigs are pigs, they are never going to become Birds of Paradise just because you want them to.
A personal example of this. I was living for 12+ years in a building. I used to greet strangers, newcomers to my building, say good morning to the regulars at the bus stop, be gentle and trying to connect for the sake of connecting and wishing well, and 99% of the time the result was me being avoided, looked down or not replied to. Some people acted as I was a sort of crazy lady... because I was wishing them a good day. Isn't that pathetic? Most of the exceptions were long term strangers, that is, not strangers any more, people over 60 years of age, foreigners, shop attendants and the occasional really good-hearted young person. I had to stop. There was this old composed calm-looking man in my building; I spent 2 years wishing him a good day every single morning and he never replied to me even though he wan not deaf and he would look at me in the eye. Of course I had to stop. He did not deserve my greetings or good wishes. He certainly is an old bitter repressed angry bitter man (that what he showed to be in the few times he decided to utter some words to me), but I found too many people doing the same, people who are way more "normal". I decided that my good wishes would be best spent on people who appreciate them for what they are and who deserve them and want to connect. If a greeting is not replied despite me being seen and heard I will erase that person from my field of view forever until they redeem themselves.
DOWNSIDES
Despite the book being really likeable, there are a few things that rest power to it. Here a few:
> The book shows lack of focus at times, placing in the same bag
things I consider way different, even if they are connected: manners, being a caring friend,
etiquette, having tact, behaving ethically, writing reviews on Yelp, tipping, and how she loves the Internet and how she met Marlon Brando in a forum.
> Etiquette and manners are not universal. Culture and Language do
matter, even if we share being Westerners. Even more when the culture is not Western. However, the essence of good manners
does not change much. I think the book needed a bit of more reflection
on that, or an approach that also includes that. Some of the behaviours Alkon advises might be seen as rude and manipulative in another parts of the world, and
some etiquette "must" are not etiquette elsewhere. Despite living in a globalised world and having the world at our fingertip, literally, people tend to live in their own bubble and consider their own bubble the world. Wake up to the Matrix.
> There are too
many references to her blogs, her newspaper column, her TV interviews,
her radio shows, her famous friends and her boyfriend, and they are tiring and unnecessary. They are OK in a blog or column. In a book, not so much so.
> Her writing is likeable and enthusiastic but I expected a more polished text and a text that reads less like a blog.
>
Alkon has a preachy tone that I dislike. I mean, you can do or believe whatever you want, but if you preach high morals, high manners or whatever and you don't show that with your actions, I will notice that, realise that it is just crappola. For
example, her book has as a main aim to be a reminder of how we are all imperfect and make mistakes, that we should have empathy, we should connect with other human beings and treat them well. Right? What she does to face rude people? She takes any
opportunity, I mean any, to humiliate and name them publicly or in her blog/column. That is not to say that pigs are birds of paradise, but some acts of rudeness are involuntary or just happened once, where is her empathy gone? Why does she need to destroy Mrs X's reputation just because Mrs X made a mistake that was not even life threatening or affected her directly? If you are rudder than the rude, who might have acted out of ignorance once or due o lack of proper upbringing, and put yourself at their level, who is worse? You never put yourself at the level of the sh+t a friend of mine used to say. If you preach empathy and show none when you have to, you have none.
> The excuses
she gives for her being constantly unpunctual are that she is trying, that
she is even reading books on it, doing "something". You just need to get your alarm working
and get up or get moving when it sounds, sweetie. For what she says, she is still wasting
other people's time consistently. That is utterly rude. Is she going to use her anal humiliation approach to combat
her rude self?
> She might have manners but she swears too often in the book. I wonder how much more in real life.
> The formatting of the book on Kindle is generous in the margins, so that makes more pages than they should.
> The index in the Kindle edition does not refer to the Kindle edition but to the hard-copy, so it is worthless for Kindle readers.
A enjoyable reminder of the power of connectivity and manners to create a better society. If she had preached less, it had been way better.
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